Whenever someone asks me how I'm enjoying being a stay at home mum, my answer is generally the same- "I'm learning to embrace this season." Which is so true, I really am. But I have been asking myself the same question lately, why is it, that I have to learn to embrace this season, why can't I just embrace it? There are probably a million women out there who would love to be in my position. Stay at home mum of two, with an amazing husband, beautiful home and super supportive hands-on family! So why am I discontent?
For some women it is totally the career thing. To be honest I had an important role in the job I had before having Shyra-Beth but one couldn't really call it a career. So if it's not the career thing for me, what is it? Why is it that I just can't embrace the fact that I'm a mum and that is my primary function at the moment.
And then I had an epiphany, which came in the form of an article that caught my eye "Is it better for Moms to stay at home?" It was the following passage that really resonated within me
"I didn’t like that nothing was ever done. At work, I finished projects. At home, I could work the whole day, and at the end there was absolutely no evidence I had done anything at all. There was always more laundry to do, another mess in the living room, another meal to fix, another diaper to change. At work, I could tell when I was doing a good job. At home, I struggled to have confidence in my abilities. I was pouring into my kids, but the changes were so incremental I couldn’t tell if anything I was teaching them was taking hold. Was the investment of my time and energy really making a difference?"
- Adrien Segal
And it suddenly all made sense! For a goal oriented person who used to live by to do lists, runsheets and write completed tasks on my list simply for the satisfaction of crossing them off, motherhood did not fit into that mould. Toddlers do not abide by runsheets and babies do not help with crossing off to do lists. You can't simply say "right my list says change eight nappies a day and you are on your ninth so tough, sleep in your poop tonight." A mother's work is never complete. Ask my mum that as she sat next to her grown up, mother of two daughter this week, making me take panadol and vitamins as I slept off my sinus infection.
In this stage of motherhood, there is no completion, no sense of achievement, no finality. Motherhood does not satisfy my desire for a happy ending because it is on-going.
Motherhood is not something that you do, it is who you become. I realised learning to embrace this new season was a not bad thing. In acknowledging that I have to learn I have identified a problem. Identifying a problem is the first step in resolving a problem. So how am I resolving this problem of embracing this season of motherhood? Well two things:
1. Thankfulness
Every single day, regardless of melt downs, giggles, story time, baking time, adventure time, poop everywhere time, I try my hardest to always find something to be thankful for. Thankful for Shyra telling me she loves me to the moon and back every night. Thankful for the way Jeremy loves snuggling into my shoulder. Thankful for the way Josiah still looks at me, even when I'm covered in spit up and have a monobrow because I haven't had time to get my brows done
2. Realising it is just a Season
Now some of our friends have put money on this. But we have a deal that I'm not allowed to make this decision until Jeremy is a year old, but I am 98% sure that I am not getting pregnant again. Which means there is an incredibly high chance that all of this. The spit up, the nappies, the breast feeding, the one income, the fluctuating hormones. This might be the last time. This might be the last time I get to see my baby smile for the first time. This might be the last time I stay up all night having cuddles because my baby is teething.
Autumn is my definitely my favourite season. There's just something whimsical about the colours the leaves turn and the crisp, fresh air that just put me in my happy place! I was so adamant on being an autumn bride we only had a five month lead time to plan our wedding! But the thing we all know about seasons is that they change. Before you know it the tree covered in bright red and yellow leaves is bare, leaving crushed brown leaves on the ground, but give it a few months and the blossoms start appearing again. Such is motherhood I believe. Just when you think it gets really hard, it starts getting better but you look at your baby and your baby is a baby no more.
So I'm going to be grateful and learn to love it all. The good, the bad, the pukey and the ugly because I'm never going to get this season back ever again, even if by some miracle we do decide to have another child Shyra-Beth and Jeremy will never ever be this age again so I'm am going to learn to take all the cuddles with all the struggles
Rant over. xx
Well put Mags :) for me it's also been about learning to be content and enjoying the highs/perks of each season that inevitably comes with some struggles too. Keep up the good work :)
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